Comparison kills joy

Panic, stress, anxiety, lack of motivation and lost sense of purpose affect almost all of us more than ever.

Many young adults experience a quarter-life crisis, being lost in the paradox of materialistic growth and passionate joyful living. Later on, midlife and later-life crises leave people searching for purpose and the true values in life. Social media and the recent pandemic are exaggerating this trend even more.

What is the root cause of the continuous unhappiness many of us are experiencing?

And what can we do to get out of it?

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All throughout our life we have been conditioned to look for the approval of others and to fit into society. We aim to be the best in order to get recognition and to feel valuable.

According to the social comparison theory, we tend to self-evaluate by comparing ourselves to others. We have a drive to improve and protect our superiority. This drive generates competition, which can be very beneficial and inspirational if we are coming from a balanced and healthy state and know our vision.

Both downward and upward social comparisons play a role in building the image we have about ourselves and affect how we behave. We compare ourselves to ones who we believe are worse than we are to feel better. To improve our current position however, we often look at those who we perceive as better than us. The latter, upward comparison can be harmful for our mental health if we do it without self-reflection.

I personally have experienced the negative effects of looking outside for guidance and approval and making my value dependent on them. When seeing influential people and even acquaintances succeed, reading about young start-up founders and investors, looking at fitness models on Instagram, I start thinking about where I should be and what am I doing wrong. I end up feeling unworthy.

Can you see that it’s not even the expectations from the outside world that create the pressure but rather the unrealistic ones we set for ourselves? The ones that normalize overworking, label rest as laziness and attach our value to our output are all leading to the same problem: losing our real selves.

Comparing our life to one person, is not what is mainly causing our unhappiness. The source of the issue is our tendency to cherry pick the attributes, events, achievements of multiple people. The way we compare can give us a biased account of our attributes and knowledge.

Social media platforms enhance this problem. We have access to unlimited amount of information. We are constantly exposed to the finest moments of people not only around us, but everywhere in the world. We don’t really know them, but they are close enough to our reality to set an example. Without seeing the real stories and feelings behind it we judge ourselves for not being like them.

What do you think the effects of these comparisons and self-doubt are? Suffering, constant fatigue, demotivation, giving up and losing vision…burnout.

But can we transform the urge to constantly compare?

Yes. Now we understand that the negative effects of comparison emerge when we make our value and worth depend on how much we fit into the expected success formula and how productive we are. The only way we can get out of it is rethinking the image we have about ourselves in our head. For that we need to slow down and explore our attributes, values, deepest desires and choose to stand up for ourselves in every moment of life. Comparing where we were yesterday and going one step further today is the only comparison we should focus on.

If you know what you are waking up for every day and choose that mission in the present moment, when you look outside, you will see inspiration all around. You will be able to sense, who is truly owning themselves.

In the following article I will introduce the step-by-step process to show you how I reframed the image about myself and how I explored my values and desires. You will have the tools to transform the way you talk to yourself and get inspired. The process involves experimenting, patient practice and choosing joy. Are you willing to be kinder to yourself and see the environment transform?

Until then…This practice helps you understand where you are now, which is the first step of change:

To print:

Comparison register.pdf

Download PDF • 108KB

Sending love on the Mental Health Day,

Evelin

References:

Chernev, A., Böckenholt, U., & Goodman, J. (2015). Choice overload: A conceptual review and meta-analysis. Journal of Consumer Psychology, 25(2), 333–358. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcps.2014.08.002

Corcoran, K., Crusius, J., & Mussweiler, T. (2011). Social Comparison: Motives, Standards, and Mechanisms. Theories in Social Psychology.

Davidai, S., & Deri, S. (2019). The second pugilist’s plight: Why people believe they are above average but are not especially happy about it. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 148(3), 570–587. https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0000580

Deri, S., Davidai, S., & Gilovich, T. (2017). Home alone: Why people believe others’ social lives are richer than their own. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(6), 858–877. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000105

Garcia, S. M., Tor, A., & Schiff, T. M. (2013). The Psychology of Competition: A Social Comparison Perspective. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 8(6), 634–650. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691613504114

Harvard Gazette. (11/04/2017). Good genes are nice, but joy is better. https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/

Schwartz, B. (2009). The paradox of choice: Why more is less. HarperCollins.